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I'm dying..

I feel absolutely awful... My head is so full of pressure my stomach is upset. The one thing that can make me better is the one thing I can't have. I hate this feeling. My heart is breaking, and I feel like I'm in pieces... like I am actually dying.  It is a horrible feeling, it should be illegal to feel like this. I have cried at least once a day since I can remember... I miss him. I miss us. I miss being happy, together.

<3

So this is good, I've been thinking, even since my last post!

I think I'm going to make a plan for what I'm going to eat tomorrow, and that way it will be easier to stick to it!
I've been going to some thinspo websites, and they're a good way for me to get some ideas to not snack and stuff, but some of the girls are so so so thin, and sickly. I feel bad for them, because they don't realize how thin they are.

Anyways my menu for tomorrow:

Brunch:
2 pieces of wheat toast with peanut butter
1 slice cantaloupe

Snack:
1 apple
water bottle with crystal light

Dinner:

Salad w/ lite dressing
******avoid FRIED food*****
             ***no soda***

There may be some wiggle room depending on the food tomorrow.

hahahaha we'll see how this goes.
Wish me luck!

xoxShana
Hello,

I'm slightly embarrassed and ashamed that it has been SO SO SO long since I've been on here. Since the summer, I've gained a lot of weight. It's mostly in my belly..my stomach isn't as tight as it was. I've been eating really poorly, and a lot of really bad food. I've become a junk food addict. Today I ate a lot better than usual, until the night, which is when I binge. I'd really like some support. I don't want to sound like a girl with an eating disorder, because I don't have one, I'd just really like someone to talk to about dieting and mainly just a friend, outside from my everyday friends to talk to. I feel like this sort of thing might be easier to talk to someone who is more into dieting than me, so I can be motivated. I don't want my friends to freak out and think I've got an ed or something. But I really would like to go on a very low cal. diet.

Also, since the summer, I've started taking an antidepressant/anxiety pill, and they've really helped me I think. I think being back at school may have helped that a bit too, and being around friends. But I'm definitely managing my stress better I think.... but the blogging helps me, so I think I should definitely keep it up..

Welcome me back to lj! :)

xoxShana

:(

I feel so guilty... I haven't been dieting at all! I start out everyday thinking I won't eat much or I'll just eat this, and I end up eating way more than I intend to. I really need to buckle down and focus. Even though the food feels good at the time I feel like shit after I eat it. I feel amazing when I'm losing weight or have lost, but now I just feel like shit. I need to keep up with the journal cause I think it helps me focus,

So starting tomorrow I will write everything down I eat.

I need to focus!!!!



Odd..

Well, I haven't really been doing any kind of diet, because I'm gross, but today I actually limited my food intake, and I'm the lowest weight I've been in a while, the scale said 139, but I don't know for sure. I'll have to check in the A.M.. So lately I've been feeling really sad, and listless and lonely and empty; so I looked up my symptoms and whatnot, and I discovered this condition called dysthymia. Basically it is chronic (long term) depression - but a mild case. I had almost all the symptoms so I went to the Dr. and talked to about my symptoms, and he gave me some drug, that I don't really want to take (side effects - more specifically weight gain) and told me to come back in a month. I haven't decided if I'm going to take them yet though...I haven't yet.  Anyways, oddly enough I felt good today, for the first time in a while! I just want to talk to someone I think, a therapist or something. But I want a good one, and not some loony kook. Anyways, so I'm gonna try and keep up with my journal better....139 tonight, I'll keep up the tabs for tomorrow.

XOX Shana



Weak.

I've been doing really bad on my so called diet. I've been eating a lot. I went on like a 3 day binge. I really need to focus. I really need to get my shit in gear. I'm such a fat ass. I got scared. After I didn't eat for almost 3 days I was feeling dizzy and I felt nauseous. So I ate a little and then from there it was all down hill. But today I'm going to be better. I'm not going to eat anything but my dinner. I want to be good again. I need to lose weight.

I feel so anxious right now I hate it.


xox Shana

Misery

I'm so fucked up right now. I my hormones are probably fucking off the wall since I stopped taking the pill. I've been crying or have had the urge to cry all day. It's so fucking grey outside and in this house. I'm miserable. I wanted to go to the fucking gym but I feel guilty asking for a ride and it closes at 8 on weekends anyway. I hate that nothing ever turns out the way I plan. It's fucking embarrassing to be nineteen years old and have no license. I was supposed to go driving this summer, and it hasn't happened once. I feel too uncomfortable to ask my aunt to bring me. I honestly just wish I was at home. I fucking never see my friends. I hate it. I want to go home and see my boo girl. :( We could be miserable together. I'm making hardly any money and I'm so fucking frazzled. UGH! Fuck ALL THIS SHIT!!! I want to slam my fist through the wall. I want to SMASH something. UGH!!!!!!

FUCK ALL THIS SHIT

Shiteous

I haven't eaten much today, I'm eating some raspberries right now...one cup is 64 calories. They're high in fiber and high in vitamin C so that's good. Not too many cals. I was going to have a few pieces of sushi but its like 50 cals for a piece...so nevermind that.
I'm feeling down today. I'm just so bored. My life is so dull. My friends are never around. Ugh... this summer blows. The weather is shitty I'm sick I'm stuck inside all the time..babysitting. I'm just annoyed. I just wish I could eat what I wanted and not get fat!! It's not fair that some people can be a size 0 and eat double cheeseburgers everyday!! Whatever... I'm just frustrated..



xox Shana

I did well.

So today I did really well! I had nothing to eat today except for a lean cuisine and that was 250 calories or so. Then I had two pieces of sushi but over all I definitely didn't go over 350 cals today! I'm so happy! Tonight I went out to this bar to watch my brothers band and all these people were like oh god, you're beautiful why aren't you in magazines!? why aren't you a model?! and I was like....seriously are you kidding!? Models are like 100 pounds... I'm way too fat to be a model. I mean I know they're trying to be nice, but honestly do they not know how fat I am?! I'm fucking 140 pounds. How long is this going to take I need to be 120!!!

Ugh Ugh Ugh. Tomorrow I'm sticking to the same plan.. except no sushi! I'm so proud of myself... I'm usually a sucker for taco bell... I know DISGUSTING and all night my mom was talking about getting taco bell and tonight she must have asked me 5 times if I wanted it and I DIDN'T GET ANYTHING...but a diet soda! hahaha! Even she got some food but I didn't! I'm so proud of myself!! :) YAY MEEE!!!

Anyways I'm beat and I gotta get up early again...my life is so dull. Which is probably why I'm so fat because all I ever did was eat! I guess I ate to occupy myself. NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE!!!!


xox Shana

Doing well!

Today is going well. I haven't had anything to eat yet. I'm gonna keep doing this I think. I like how this is going. I'm just going to eat a small dinner. I'm going to have a lean cusine tonight. I did have a glass of orange juice this morning for some vitamins and nutrients. That was prob 100 calories or so. Then all I've been doing is drinking diet soda to keep my stomach full feeling without the calories.

I wasn't able to go for a walk today because of all the rain. That was a bummer, but I think I'm getting some exercise lifting the baby and chasing this and that for him keeps me on my feet quite a bit. So it's more than I was doing earlier this summer. I could just be trying give myself some credit, but whatever. Either way I'm feeling good!

I finished a book today. The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. I enjoyed it. Next I'm going to read The Lovely Bones everyone tells me it's good. I remember going on a trip with family a few years ago and listening to some of it on audio book, but I always fall asleep in the car, and I don't remember much of it.

Tonight I'm going out with my mom to see my brother and my dad's band play out. haha That's always amusing. I love people watching.  That's all for now.



xox Shana

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